Time on My Hands

This is my first day home by myself. My husband is afraid, very afraid.  I am home for the next two weeks. Alone. Bored. Not feeling too poorly (thank you, drugs). Time on my hands. Time to kill.....

8:00 a.m.:"Honey", I call him as soon as I know he's in the office. "Where's the drill?" Oh, right, in the basement. No, I'm not going into the basement, I've barely made it onto the first floor, but Mystery Man is home and I want to hang some stuff..."

10:00 a.m. Call to hubby: "Do we have any of that yellow paint left over from the living room? I thought I could touch up where we took down the trays from over the bookcase.....Well, no I wasn't going to climb a ladder, I was going to see how far I could reach on the first step.....okay!"

11:30 a.m.:  "Where's the level? And the putty? Nothing....just need to fill in some holes...do you like the color in the dining room? I've just always thought a teal green...."

1:00 p.m.: "Did you get the gas for the grill this weekend? Dinner? No, Altoid tins....oh, it's only three steps and there's a handrail.... all right!"

2:00 p.m.: "Are you coming home for lunch? Mystery Man went out and I sort of started moving this table and now it's stuck on the door saddle and I don't ....no, I didn't use my knee! I just can't get in or out of the living room."

3:00 p.m.: "I didn't hear the phone. I'm on the third floor. Remember all those photos we were going to hang up there....I took my time climbing the stairs... on the way home, could you stop at the Depot and get some sheetrock tape...and plaster. Maybe a new hammer, too....no, the hole isn't that big..."

4:30 p.m.: What's your Amex number? I don't know what the deal is but this website won't take my card number. They called you? Excessive use? No, I'm just surfing some shoe sites.....don't yell at me like that!"

6:00 p.m.: You're home! Dinner?  Hey, I'm home sick, remember? On the stove - no, that's some linen I'm tea dyeing.  Honestly, you expect me to stand up in the kitchen and cook? Really, you'd think you'd never been home sick before. Oh, shit, watch that wall, it's wet, no, don't open the closet, I put some stuff in there - I told you not to open it! Now you might as well carry it all up to the attic, but wait - get the door, it's my sisters, we're going to paint. Could you put a leaf in the table so we can sit in the dining room, and then pick up the Chinese, okay?

Funny, it's 9:00 and he hasn't come back with the Chinese food. He won't answer his cell, either. I feel bad leaving this waffle mess for him to clean up, but he'll understand. Now where'd I put those nails for the curtain rod over the bed........