I rarely  post twice in one day and never post twice in one morning, but someone just wrote to me off-blog and suggested that my depression and crankiness has more to do with the job I have to return to than to the angst over my health and financial worries.

I think they are right.

The more I am away from the job, the more my skin crawls at going back to it. Now let me say this first and foremost, I love the people I work with, and my bosses have been more than kind with me in the last few years. I am appreciated and they gave me a nice raise and small bonus to show it. I enjoy the attorneys I work with at court and usually enjoy court also, to the extent that it can be enjoyable whilst one is being screamed at for not knowing the ins and outs of a case that one didn't know was even on the docket. (When I write about court, my writing gets very Anglican and stodgy; bear with me. )

But there is no joy in Mudville. We are consistently overworked, overburdened, and told that we are lucky to have jobs, which is silly really, since no one has ever left our office and gone jobless. Yes, they've often gone from one insurance company to the next, but they all have their plusses and minuses and sometimes you are just ready to trade one's minuses for another's.  And just as likely, one can walk away and become a plaintiff's lawyer and join the ranks of evil, i.e. people who make a hell of a lot more than we do and work seriously longer hours than we do, trolling for cases and holding the hands of the very idiot clients we roll our eyes at when they present us with their alleged injuries.

But I digress.

It is time for me to find a new way to make a living. I can't just walk away from a good-paying job when my husband can barely drag his disabled back to his grungy, yet good-paying job. In the system of marital checks and balances, he is on the side most weighted to being able to find a new way to earn a living. However, all's fair in love and war, and whomever gets the new job first wins in my book. Essentially, we are both in different professions and he could refashion his life if he started being serious about it.

But I digress again.

It is torturous to write this entry. It is as convoluted as my half-hearted attempts to find a new career. Where is my concentration? Where is my focus? I receive posts frequently from people telling me that I should write for publication. My usual response is "Me and everybody else with a blog". But now I am serious. I need to expand my horizons and let the world know that I am ready for a new challenge. I am ready to be taken seriously as a professional in arts and writing.

I am broadcasting my message to the Universe: I am ready to be a professional in arts and writing. How? I haven't figured that out yet. But if anyone out there is listening or has a connection, a contact, a friend of a friend, or a powerful prayer mantra, I am ready to receive. All my antennae are quivering; all my receptors are up. Hear me, Universe, and I am listening.