Today the fouler weather of fall slipped in. It was dark when we woke up and I heard the rain hitting the air conditioner and the urge to stay in the bed was overwhelming. I'd woken up at 4:00 a.m., wrestling with old and new demons that poke their way into my mind when I should be safe in the arms of slumber. One dream was the most disconcerting: the right side of my face was becoming paralyzed around my mouth and we had moved to somewhere like Nova Scotia and I kept telling Stan I had to get to a hospital but he was taking it lightly. To shake the anxiety of the dream, I opened my laptop and wrote a little bit. In fifteen minutes, I was ready to go back to sleep, but interrupting my sleep cycle made my head heavy as lead when the alarm went off.

Tomorrow I'm having my hair cut, which I look forward to not just for the new look, but for visiting my hairdresser who has become a friend over the years. Almost everyone in the salon is Italian and they chatter to each other in Italian and come out with coffee and homemade cookies or bruschetta for their clients. It's a little bit of a spa experience for me, and I feel relaxed as Teddy inquires about my family as he cuts my hair. They all love that I've brought my sisters and my Mom there, especially because the salon is run by cousins and everyone is interrelated somehow,  and they all remind me of my own family.

Then I'm heading out to shop for a gift for my niece. I'm going to Bloomingdale's and I'm a little nervous about it. I haven't been there since last Christmas. I don't shop at malls or large department stores anymore. Who has time? If I have an afternoon free I can think of ten things I'd rather do than walk around a mall. However, Bloomie's has always been that over the top store that rings a bell in me. It has an allure that makes my compulsive nature turn on and I find myself wondering why I don't have a new Coach bag, Chanel sunglasses, Clinique skin care kit, Ferragamo shoes, and maybe a diamond solitaire or two.

In short, it's not a good place for me.

The shiny marble floors, the spot lit merchandise, the fragrances piped through the store, and the clever merchandising of leather and cashmere and glinting jewels side by side with gorgeous shoes, and racks and racks of clothing all make me feel horrible about myself. I realize how out of date I am, how fat I am, how unstylish are my clothes, shoes, and jewelry - what jewelry?? Of course, I don't like feeling that way and the antidote is spread out in front me and accessible with a little plastic card.

In short, it's not a good place for me.

I am in the market, though, for a dark navy in striped suit. It's almost a prerequisite to going to court and my gorgeous DKNY suit I bought 5 years ago was declared several sizes too big by my sister after I lost weight. I hated getting rid of it and haven't been able to find anything like it since, at least for less than the price of my first car.

So tomorrow I will do all these girly things and since the weather is forecast for rain, I won't feel too awful inside. Just wish me luck getting through Bloomie's unscathed.