TO: THE DOGS
RE: HOUSE RULES
The management wishes to advise you that the following behaviors will no longer be tolerated on the premises, to wit:
- Barking at the dog behind us whenever you hear the slightest noise from that side of the house
- Barking on the porch in the dark whenever you hear the slightest noise from anywhere outside that approximates a
- scary animal
- non human noise
- Twisting the Mister around so much on your morning walk that you
- pull out his back
- knock over the $50 clay pot holding the $35 rosemary bush that the Mister nursed all winter in the basement under a grow light.
- Eating rawhide bones in the bedroom after the lights go out.
- Eating rawhide bones anything on the bed(s) whether lights on or off.
- Putting paws into water dishes whilst at the park, thereby
- wasting several bottles of water
- creating the only mud puddle in the park
- so you can lie in it
- Eating any forms of the following
- The Missus's irises
- The Missus's roses
- The Missus's lavender
- Strange wooden knobby things that may be space alien pods
- The Mister's sandwich
- The Missus's sandwich
- any form of snack food in bags left on table, night table, or counter
In addition, the management would appreciate the following:
- Being able to sleep through the night without any of the following:
- barfing in any part of the house
- pooping in any part of the house
- barking or whining to go out to do the aforementioned in the scary, dark yard where you will bark at the wind and scare either the Mister or the Missus (whomever could not fake sleep well enough to make the other get up).
- Lastly, the management wishes to advise that it will no longer tolerate 5:10 a.m. awakenings regardless of how many birds are singing and/or light is streaming through the window. IT IS NOT MORNING YET!
Thank you, and have a good day.